When the Old You Doesn’t Fit Anymore

There’s a quiet discomfort that grows when we try to live a life that no longer fits. We rationalize our routines, relationships, even roles that once felt like home. But something has shifted. We’ve shifted. And yet, we find ourselves rehearsing the script of a former self—hoping no one notices the hollow ring behind the lines.

Sometimes the hardest life to leave behind is the one that used to be yours.

After a meaningful change—whether a personal loss, new insight, or hard-won healing—it’s tempting to slip back into the familiar. But returning to your “before” life can feel like walking around in shoes a size too small. You can go through the motions, but you’re not going to get very far without pain.

You might notice the signs: a job that drains instead of inspires. A friendship that feels more performative than present. Even the way you speak about your dreams—distant, diluted, as if you’re editing yourself before anyone else can.

John Hayes describes this tension as part of the change process, where people often struggle not with the change itself, but with the loss of identity that comes with it . In other words, the life you’re trying to return to isn’t rejecting you—you’re outgrowing it.

Jessica Dore, in Tarot for Change, calls us to notice how often we rationalize ourselves into misalignment. “When the body says no, but the brain says yes,” she writes, “we need to listen more deeply” . That deeper listening is what helps us choose our next chapter, not just repeat the last.

So how do you know if you’re living the old you’s life?

• You feel constant friction: not dramatic pain, but low-grade unease.

• You crave clarity but keep defaulting to logic instead of gut.

• You keep saying “I should be grateful,” but feel quietly resentful.

• You’re exhausted not from doing too much—but from not doing what feels like you.

Instead of striving to “figure it out,” try checking in:

• Where in your life do you feel most like you’re pretending?

• What are you doing because it used to matter, even if it doesn’t anymore?

• If you stopped explaining yourself, what would you allow yourself to feel?

This kind of reflection requires compassion, not judgment. As Brené Brown reminds us, “vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome” .

You don’t have to abandon the past to honor who you’ve become. But you do have to stop living like nothing has changed.

The old you may have built a beautiful life. But the new you gets to decide what stays—and what grows.

Reflection:

What holds you back from being who you feel you are today? How do you overcome old ideas to be true to yourself?